Actualize Consulting Group

Where’s the Love?? How to Identify and Dissolve Conflict in its Earliest Stages

Particularly now, when you may be asked to work more for less recognition and reward, those petty annoyances (like someone who’s jammed the copier or taken the last of the coffee) can really add up over time. If left unaddressed or mishandled, these issues have the potential to blow up into bigger issues that can really impact workplace morale, turnover, and productivity.

Recently, while speaking on tour across the United States to help professionals in dozens of industries resolve professional (and personal) conflict, I’ve found it interesting to see the majority of conflict (in any industry) can typically be traced back to what seemed to be a “tiny” issue that somehow spiraled out of control.
For example; someone at home or at work has a habit that just seems to rub you the wrong way. Out of respect for the person or out of your desire to avoid “making waves,” you decide it best to keep quiet and push your annoyance and eventual anger aside. However, after multiple occurrences, you just can’t take it anymore and eventually you feel as if you might explode! This is called “emotional rebounding;’” rather than say anything in the early stages for fear of making something out of nothing, we wait until we can’t take it anymore and then unload on the person who has no idea there was a problem in the first place. There’s got to be a better way!
Fortunately for all of us, there is a better way. Allow me to share just a few of top tips to help you keep your cool and head off conflict in your personal and professional life.

Tip #1 Understand It’s In Their Best Interest When You Speak Up. If you’ve found yourself feeling irritated more than once or twice about that little habit or failure to do something your co-worker or housemate has demonstrated, and you know you’re going to have to continue to interact with this person regularly, you owe it to them to tactfully speak up. After all, wouldn’t you want to know about an issue early on, rather than hear about it from someone else or see it on your annual performance appraisal?

Tip #2 Separate the Person From the Problem. In the early stages of conflict it’s easier to separate the action (or problem) from the person. In other words, when your co-worker fails to restock the supply cabinet you may still find it easy to be frustrated with their inaction without feeling completely frustrated with the person. When the issue has escalated it becomes harder to separate the two. That’s why it’s so important to speak up now, while you can objectively talk about your feelings.

Tip #3 Try the “Triple Stack” Approach. When you’re thinking about how to approach a subject, try breaking the conversation in to 3 layers (sort of like an Oreo cookie).

First Layer: Start with “When,” ex: “When you take the last of the supplies without restocking the cabinet . . . “

Second Layer: Add in the result, ex: “It seems as if you’re not concerned about making sure we’re stocked up to take care of the rest of our patients . . .”
Third Layer: Add your request, ex: “Because it’s important that we’re set up to serve all of our patients, please be sure to restock the cabinets or let me know when you’ve taken the last of the supplies.”

Tip #4 Avoid “Trigger” Words. There are just some words that seem to send us to the defensive side faster than others. It just makes good sense to avoid using words or phrases like: “You never, You always, You screwed up, Why can’t you ever,” etc. Instead, try using words and phrases like: “I noticed that, I don’t know if you realized this, I should probably bring this to your attention,” etc. Take a moment to think about the words you’ve chosen and how you would react if someone said them to you. A soft approach works best, trust me on this one.

Tip #5 Wait Until Your Irritation Has Passed. When you’re in the heat of the moment, your odds of using a more agitated tone of voice or a less than calm approach go up considerably. Take a moment to think about how this particular situation will impact your life 5 hours, 5 days, 5 months, or 5 years from now. The shorter the duration of the impact, the easier it may be to put your reaction in perspective to the situation. Whether you’re sending an email or planning to personally approach someone about the issue, take a moment to calm yourself and consider your approach before taking action.

Lastly, keep in mind that you can (and should) say what needs to be said, providing your intention is honestly in the best interest of everyone involved. After all, it’s much easier to deal with a minor irritation than to find yourself cleaning up a major conflict.

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